+ I will show up at the neighbor’s doorstep dressed as Old Gepetto, the marionette maker. I’ll have a white beard and square eyeglasses and I’ll smoke a corn cob pipe. And I’ll have one kid’s body impaled on each hand. One I will dress in a Pinocchio costume, the other one I won’t, but no one will be able to tell the difference, since it’s Halloween! Woo-hoo!

+ When the late night teens come trouncing to my door, I’ll say “Finally!” as I open it in a huff. When the kids reach into my large candy bowl and pull out the fistful of maggots that were squirming inside the Snickers bar wrappers, I will shrug and say “It’s not MY fault. I’ve been waiting for you to come all year! Now make sure you take it ALL this time….”

+ Wearing my devil’s costume, I will lurk behind clusters of kiddies at the neighbor’s door, acting as if I was their chaperone. When the homeowner shuts the door I will chase the children with my pitchfork and then later return to my initial location when the next unsupervised group arrives for candy. I will do this same routine at the same house time and again until they realize that the devil is waiting at their doorstep and they refuse to answer the door anymore.

+ The pumpkins by my door will not only be human heads spray-painted orange, they will also be clean shaven, gutted, and reshaped into Michael Jackson’s various looks over the years. I’m talking real Jacko Lanterns. And I will enjoy smashing them in the streets the following day.

+ I will dress up like a dentist and wield my portable drill as I go trick-or-treating for molars. When people open their door and see me drilling into the mouth of little Frankenstein I’ll grin at them with perfect teeth and say “Keep ‘em coming, People!” and drag the struggling monsters away. The only one I might spare is the Tooth Fairy. But not if she’s not doing her job.

+ While attending the local Haunted House amusement, I will break away from my group and hide in an unsuspecting corner overnight. I won’t scare the customers; I will simply record their screams with my portable cassette deck. When the first worker comes to open shop the following day, I will be waiting behind the door, one hand pressing PLAY, the other unsheathing my survival knife. Houses can be haunted by daylight, too, dammit.

+ I have planned the very best parlor games for my Halloween party. We will go bobbing for Adam’s apples and play pin the tail on the kids sewn up in the donkey costume. And I bake the best Plumpkid Pie, too.

+ I will creep up on every video rental clerk in town, donning my Michael Meyer’s mask and machete. When they turn and seem me leering at them, they’ll jump and then I’ll ask: “Got Halloween Part 10″? If they look it up on their computers and then make a puzzled face and say “No, I don’t think that one’s out yet,” I will turn to the surveillance cameras and say, “It is now!” and lop their heads off. If they make a face at me and say “There >is< no Part 10, dude,” I will nod and spare them for knowing their job. But I reserve the right to take a finger or two off, depending on how much attitude they give me.

+ When I answer the door and the kids sing “Trick or treat/smell my feet/give me something good to eat” I will obey. I will drop right down on my knees, inhaling the odor of their dirty little feet with the wanton abandon of the pump fetishist, crying “Eat me, Master…eat me!”

+ At the hospital on Halloween night, I will go door to door in the coma war dressed as the Grim Reaper. When security comes down the hall to arrest me, I will take the poisons I carry with me and fall into a coma myself. I’ll have already stitched the scythe and robe right into my very own flesh, so they won’t be able to remove them. I’ll have burned my face back to a skeletal sneer and my hands will be stripped of all flesh. It won’t be so easy to get rid of old Grim. Seeing my comatose form will give every fatally ill person hope. Hell, my trick might even save them.

Remember those staring matches from childhood? The ones where you’d stare at someone until your eyes watered, seeing who would blink first? Think you were good at it? Gutsy enough to risk astigmatism? Well I dare you to Stare Down Sally!

http://www.stairwell.com/stare/

+ Carve something unrelated to Halloween into a kind of Jack O’Lantern.

+ Play “eyes, ears, nose, and throat”: put one of these organs in a place where it doesn’t belong (on a mutant character’s body is easiest, of course) and write.

+ Go to a local “rental center” and browse the tools, appliances, and furnishings. Choose an interesting object. Rent it if you’ve got money to squander; if not, remember it’s details. Later, write a piece that pretends that your chosen object was possessed in some way.

Instigation is now a WEEKLY department in Hellnotes newsletter:

http://www.hellnotes.com

If you publish something instigated by this department, let me know at arnzen@gorelets.com and I’ll mention it here!

I received my contributor’s copy of a chapbook called Unspeakable Limericks last week, and I enjoyed it so much I thought I’d pass word along here. The editors — Tyree Campbell and L.A. Story Houry — really take this humorous form of poetry seriously, as their introduction to the book attests (and as I know from experience, as they painstakingly worked with me to edit my own poem in the book, “Crazy Biology,” to perfection). Campbell and Houry mean serious business with this silly form, and the results are unanimously good: the limericks are hilarious and masterful. The “unspeakable” title is a bit of a misnomer — you’re destined to find yourself reading the poems aloud to friends, marveling over their wit.

Though not all are as dirty, bawdy, naughty or grotesque as its “unspeakable” title might suggest, every poem has that sideways grin you expect from a good limerick. Most have the formal meter and punch-line timing you’d expect, while others push the boundaries of the pattern a little bit, keeping the book from falling into a rut of mind-numbing redundancy. But it’s not as bizarre as it advertises and I would rate the book PG-13 if it were a film. But that rating does not damn this book; in fact, I think Unspeakable Limericks is doing many things right, including holding back from being too excessive with sex and violence.

One of the distinguishing features of the collection is the genre focus, as each poem falls within the speculative genres of science fiction, fantasy, or horror. This makes the collection feel like collegial light fun. The collection contains 37 poems and includes some familiar names in the genre press. Bruce Boston contributes some of the most scientific sounding limericks (“a google decided to engage in sex/while all of its aughts were still convex…”); while Marcie Tentchoff delivers high fantasy at its most notoriously inventive (“once boastfully proud of his scars/the elf-hunting orc chief Thr’xgar…”); and Alice Henderson tosses in some very strong genre blends that are truly horrific (“I clawed at the airlock in vain/as the larvae crawled into my brain…”). Other familiar poets include Cathy Buburuz, Stephen D. Rogers, Ann K. Schwader, Shannon Riley, P. Andrew Miller, Terrie Relf, Lee Clarke Zumpe, Kevin Hayes, and many more.

The book is well arranged and filled with enough variety of form and genre to sustain a straight read all the way through. Although I don’t think the cover matches the content, the production value is pretty strong for a chapbook of this ilk. There are many fantastic illustrations by Teri Santitoro (some in color!) both inside and out, and the book features fine paper interiors. Limericks are a form you either love or hate, but I think this 27 page book — an homage to Isaac Asimov’s “Lecherous Limericks” – will both charm and satisfy you, whether you’re a fan of poetry or not. Available for $9 from Sam’s Dot Publishing:

http://www.samsdotpublishing.com
http://www.poetryfox.com

we palm punch soft spot
and when the eyes roll back
they point at the bony place
to move our sick little pieces
scored with death black divots
and still we count out loud
each move around this spiral-bent
spinal cord runway till we get
bored with playing games
and put away such childish toys

Holy Ghosts:
http://carmenspage.homestead.com/jesuscloud.html

Holy Rollers:
http://www.gluck.net/jesus/index.html

Acts 17:30:
http://winkingjesus.com/

Combatting Halloween for Jesus:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/subjectarchive/halloween.html

+ GORELETS: THE BOOK!
You can now order Gorelets:
Unpleasant Poems (52 short horror
poems in a format all their own) in
collectable print editions or as an e-
book with a bonus chapbook’s worth of
“extra unpleasantness”! Only 52 copies
of the signed/lettered edition ($9.99)
will be printed and it’s likely to sell out
VERY fast. Don’t despair: the standard
edition costs just $7.99. Both are
available now from Fairwood Press or
Shocklines Bookstore. The e-book is a
cheap alternative for just $4.99 directly
from Double Dragon Publishing.

Fairwood Press
Shocklines
Double Dragon

+ COOL BADNESS
Gorelets.com was SciFi.Com’s”Cool
Pick of the Web” from Sept 25th-30th!

My parody of Martha Stewart, DYING,
made Shocklines Bookstore’s
bestseller list this week! That’s
obviously a good thing.

A new interview with Arnzen for The
Dream People magazine’s “Extreme
Horror” issue includes sample stories
from the upcoming book, 100 Jolts!

+ SPORTUARY UPDATE
The publisher of my sports-related
horror poetry e-book, CyberPulp, has
encountered unforeseen delays, but
promises me that the title will be
available before Halloween. Keep your
eyes on the preview page for updates.

+ FREAKCIDENTS UPDATE
I know many you have been waiting for
this one. So have I. If Dark Vesper
Publishing does not produce
Freakcidents by October 19th (five days
from the day I write this), then my
contractual obligation to them ceases
and I will turn to another company who
is already waiting in the wings. Want to
order but uncertain? Don’t fret! Order
this book through Shocklines.com and
you won’t be charged a dime until the
book ships to your door. This collection
of poetry about mutants is one of my
personal favorites, and reviewers who
have read advanced copies have just
loved it. So I still have high hopes for
Freakcidents and I thank those of you
who have been waiting for it for your
patience.

+ OCTOBER RUSHES AT YOU
Dark poetry fans might be in the mood
for a neat new media collection that I’m
in, called October Rush. It includes a
favorite poem of mine, “Death Shroud
Fashion Show”and a collaborative
work with Kurt Newton…and tons of
poems by some talented writers!
Available FREE at:

http://www.specficworld.com

+ THE ARNZEN SEMINARS
What are “The Arnzen Seminars”? Not
as weird as you think. A new series of
occasional columns on writing for Gila
Queen’s Guide to Markets. If you’re a
writer you should check out this trade
magazine!

+ NOT DEAD YET
Caution: I’ll be removing the offer for
signed copies of DYING from the front
of gorelets.com within the month. So if
you want one, now’s the time to order.

+ I’M STOKED!
Thanks to every HWA member reading
this who has nominated The Goreletter
for the Bram Stoker Award in “Alternate Forms” so far. This
newsletter currently tops the Stoker
charts with the most recommendations!
But it’s early in the game…

For your next movie night, rent:

The Thing (1982)
The Firm (1993)
Progeny (1999)

Please take a moment to vote
whether or not you want to get rid of
the unique “skinny column” format of
The Goreletter, which is no longer
required for Handheld computer users.
If you LIKE the long column, I’ll keep it.
But you have to vote for it.

Congratulations to subscribers Leila
Eadie and Jill Roberts, for winning the
“Giant Monster Battle” contest from the
last issue. Combining guts, intellect,
and luck, they both slayed the blob that
could not be stopped, Geoblie, and
won free “Bitpasses” for any of the
content featured at bitpass.com. I’ve
left the “battle” game page online if you
want to play with Geoblie’s flaccid
corpse. Prod carefully!