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(They Burn) Just Like Ants

Chances are good that because you’re reading this newsletter, you were the creepy sort of kid — excuse me, I meant “curious” sort — who enjoyed crisping leaves, frying insects, and even burning tattoos onto your kid brother’s forehead with a magnifying glass on a sunshining day. If that description brings back fond memories, then you’re going to LOVE this month’s strange gizmo. It’s called “Ant City” and the premise is simple: you’re a giant with a magnifying glass that lets you fry all those pesky little human beings (and dogs, and cars, and so on) down below. http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/games/gameson4/ant_city.html

If you like this diversion, then go to bossmonster.com for even more weirdness (I recommend the bizarre “Just Not Cricket”)

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Girl on Crutches

she won’t say how she broke them
but the boys don’t hold the doors for her
anymore and nobody signs her cast

her armpits ache from the handles
and she feels as hollow as the numb
caverns inside the plaster that pinch her

and the bones will set crooked –
her legs perpetually as bent
as her mind — and his wrung neck

which neither splint nor plaster
can hold fast or bind any stiffer
than his own rigid musculature


Explanation: I found that list of offbeat phrases in the “Strange Visitors” contest amusing, and began to think of them as titles for poems…I may do more based on the others, if/when time permits. (Hint: click on the “Weblog Exclusive” department to read more.



Electric Jolts

The e-book edition of 100 Jolts has been released on amazon.com … a way to save a buck or two, if you don’t mind reading on screen. It will likely be available at other e-book outlets, like palmdigitalmedia and fictionwise.com shortly, as well. Right on.

Speaking of e-books, the electronic edition of Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems is a featured horror selection at Palm Digital Media this month. Fans might also enjoy my funny chapbook, Sportuary, available only in ebook from Cyberpulp Digital Media.

Update, 5/26:
Fictionwise.com is offering a 25% discount on their entire inventory this week! That means you can get one of my short stories for .37 cents or download Fluid Mosaic or Paratabloids for under $5.

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Fresh Air: Auction

Award winning author Charles L. Grant is in need of emergency relief for his medical condition. A Fresh Air Fund has been set up to assist him, and just this week the Horror Writers Association launched an awesome campaign of auctions on Ebay to help Charlie.

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Conscience by John Skipp

As a writer, I always cringe when I hear other writers give the advice that a book should be “cinematic”: that it should be written not only to give the reader the same thrill that they’d get at the movies, but also that it be custom-built to try to sell ancillary rights to a film company in order to rake in the dough. While I do think that most writers wouldn’t be able to make a living without film option income, I often think that fiction is supposed to be fiction first. In fact, some of the best books in the world are those that can ONLY be books, because they really make the most out of the form — and it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the film adaptation usually sucks skunkwater.

And then I read an exception to the rule and I bite my tongue.

John Skipp’s latest book, Conscience, is just such a book. The back cover claims it was “designed to be read in one sitting — in roughly the time it takes to watch a feature film” — and it succeeds at delivering its nightmare with the immediacy of a bullet to the brain. Conscience — a dark crime story about a vicious killer who discovers his conscience during a massacre — is an excellent novella. When I put it down, I felt breathless and more than a little astounded at what he’d managed to pull off. Its pace reminded me a little bit of Douglas Winter’s novel, Run — a great suspense fiction that experiments with pace and reads like a car chase. But Conscience accomplishes this while seated firmly behind the driver’s seat that is the mind of a killer, careening toward his destiny. As I read Conscience, I was impressed by Skipp’s talent at writing psychological fiction that doesn’t get mired down in moody explorations of the mind, but rather moves rapidly toward its inevitable conclusion. Even though the story is loaded with interior monologue and moments of psychological soul-searching that would threaten to bog down any other book, Skipp’s lean prose, sharp style, and quick rhythm makes this story gallop along at the breakneck pace of Hollywood cinema. And it drips with the noirish charm of a Quentin Tarantino film, as the narrator muses over love, life, and all that corrupts it… even while he’s blasting someone’s head off with a shotgun.

Perhaps it’s not fair to compare Skipp to Q. Although this he is definitely a writer channelling the culture of Hollywood and Los Angeles, Skipp’s crime writing reflects the deep introspection and wit of Jim Thompson’s twisted noir — on several shots of espresso. This book — while fast-paced — isn’t as hyperactive and self-referential as a Tarantino film; though it races, it is instead powered by a strongly crafted voice And it’s only appropriate, I think, that Skipp — a progenitor of the “splatterpunk” movement when he collaborated with Craig Spector a decade ago on bestselling books like The Light at the End or The Scream — rediscovers his own voice in the mind of a madman.

In his introduction to the story, Skipp calls this a sort of antithesis to the “Big Fat Contemporary Novel” — but the book as a whole is very thick indeed. Conscience is, in fact, just one novella in a collection of works that weighs in at 321 pages long. If I had to come up with one word for the book, I’d call it “generous”! It features some great historical documents from Skipp’s writing career, all of which — bound together — really give you a strong sense of what makes this writer unique. The book features six short stories (two of them short-shorts) and a full-length screenplay (which is much longer than Conscience itself!) for a story called Johnny Death. The stories made me nostalgic (three were reprints from books I’d read before, like the brutal tale, “Film at Eleven” which appeared in David J. Schow’s anthology, Silver Scream in 1988), but they stand up to re-reading, especially from the context of this book, which allows you to contrast his early entries into brutality against his writing today. I also enjoyed the inclusion of two rare short-shorts — “A Quickee” and “Welcome to Here.” The screenplay, Johnny Death, while very different than Conscience, is still a great study in how to write a bizarre film with a big budget feel. Skipp’s imagination is wild; he really knows how to entertain. And the introductions to all of the pieces in this book give readers a welcome insight into the ingenious mind of John Skipp. You’ll get remarks on the writing process, the patterns in his work that define him as an independent writer, and reflections on the Skipp and Spector days and the events that led to their creative separation.

What I learned from reading this book was not only that cinematic writing can succeed, but that John Skipp has >always< been a writer with a conscience, even in his most splattery of gore fiction. He's a writer of great insight and honesty -- what makes him different today, I think, could very well be a more developed sense of humility in his fiction. As he says at one point in the book, "I just want a better world. That's all. And I'd like to point out that we ain't there yet." I think this simple sentiment lies behind a lot of what Skipp writes.

Friendly Firewalk Press -- Skipp's own imprint -- makes Conscience available as a trade paperback. The quality of the book is good and you really do get a trove of Skipp material for the $19.99 price. It's available through amazon.com or John Skipp's home page. (His "Eats" project -- something of a custom-built homage to Wacky Packages -- made the Goreletter's "Weird Links of the Month" last issue; if you like that, you might like his weblog, called "The Hard Way," too).

http://www.johnskipp.com
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/097530190X/
http://www.cafeshops.com/conscienceskipp



Grilling the Mermaid

I love women, and I enjoy fish, but for some reason I hate mermaids. They’re some of the most horrifying of animal-human hybrids. I mean, they’re scaly. And they smell — well — like fish! I don’t care how good they are at singing and swimming and strategically arranging their lengthy hair, they’re gross little monsters.

Yet their legend endures. We still get slurred reports from drunken sailors who spot them in the seven seas. And little kiddies everywhere believe in Ariel, the so-called “Little Mermaid” (who isn’t little enough to step on, unfortunately). But get this straight: if mermaids existed, we’d see dead ones floating belly up in the sea once in awhile. And there’d be plenty of beached mercorpses washing up on the shores or getting hauled up in tuna nets every summer.

But for a moment, let’s pretend they’re immortal. Let’s pretend that the icon of the mermaid — that seductive siren who is half-fish, half-woman — is a reality. And let’s pretend that she doesn’t get as slimy as oily oyster guts from scooting around in the silt and sand all the damned time. Even then, I’ve got problems.

First off: they’re always topless bombshells without any legs. You don’t have to be a feminist to see that this is clearly a male fantasy. Why? Because they can’t run away.

And if they aren’t male fantasies, then why are the top halves of mermaids always the human part? What if they were giant walking fish heads instead? Even the most committed of “leg men” might have difficulties with a breastless bass. Besides, the creatures really should be human on the bottom half. It makes more sense. The kick would make them better swimmers. Plus they’d actually be able to breathe, since the top is the half that has the gills. And, well, let’s just say I just think it would be more efficient for mating.

Or let’s take it a step further: what if only the left half were fish and the right side human? What then, Popeye?

And even with the traditional organization of parts: Why is the lower half always a long flappy green whale’s tail? How about a half-woman, half-jellyfish, oozing weirdness beneath her lovely torso? Or half-sting ray, her bottom as flat as a flesh blanket, undulating in the waves before she covers herself up, blushing at your approach…and stings you when you make your move?

And, like, what’s the “mer” in mermaid stand for, anyway? It can’t be that stuff the wise men brought to the baby Jesus, can it? And are mermaids really “maids”? And if so, do they do windows, or just portholes? A mermaid in a French maid outfit, feather duster in fin. That, I’d like to see.

Here’s another question: If I only ate their fish tails, would it still be considered cannibalism?

Okay, so we’ve established that mermaids are weird male fantasies and even weirder sex objects. So if sex is involved, how do these chicks of the sea reproduce, anyway? No, I’m not asking because I want to spawn. I’m curious how the whole species began. It’s probably the usual origin story: a human and a fish mated and — voila — Darryl Hannah was magically born. Fine. I don’t want to imagine the details, but fine. But then how does the species perpetuate after the first mutant is born? What comes after the initial bestial sin? Would a merman and a mermaid have to meet to breed? Wouldn’t that be incest? Is it still incest when eggs are deposited and fertilized in their weird fishy ways? Or is the whole species sustained by all those randy sailors out there? (And if you were a mermaid, would you still love your father, knowing he was some sick kind of fish fetishist? Wouldn’t that kind of swear you off the whole “man” thing, altogether? And would the other fish be repulsed by your flesh if you turned to them? Something doesn’t add up for me here.)

Now I’m sure there are some fantasy fans reading this who are thinking, “What about all the other merfolk, like mermen, you sexist pig?” To them I would simply say: hey, if even the mermaids would rather be with human beings that those of their own kind, then there’s really gotta be something wrong with them. Besides, without the beard and the triton in their hand, I’m not sure how you can tell if they’re male anyway. For all you know, they’re really transgendered merherms. Especially the ones with the well-groomed beards artfully cascading down to cover their breasts.

Whatever their sexual orientation, There’s very little romance in Neptune’s bachelor pad. Fish spawn and reproduce in all sorts of weird, gelid, and inhuman ways. Eggs are often fertilized externally, in a method akin to drizzling caviar with hot sauce. Speaking of which — if there were merfolk, you can be sure that they’d eat their own young, though roe wouldn’t be as exotic a delicacy as it is for us. No? Too abhorrent? Well, then, perhaps in merfolk culture, human embryos would be all the rage at the fancy dinners. And can you imagine the price of mermaid caviar! Or the flavor!

Yuck.

Give me chicken eggs instead any day. But don’t even get me started on the henmaids. Their eggs actually kick and squirm…and peck.

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