Sometimes I think eyes are the creepiest part of the human body, because they’re like jellyfish that can see, right there in the middle of everybody’s face…and there are TWO of them, conspiring to either attack or breed. Thank god for the nose, otherwise they might see how close they really are to each other and then it would all be over with. And thank god the nose isn’t REALLY a bridge.

Of course, seeing eye-to-eye can be a problem, but I suspect eyes are actually racist and don’t want to mix colors. Otherwise, doomsday.

Now I know that you’re thinking they can see each other and conspire whenever you look in the mirror. But you’ll notice that whenever you look in the mirror the eyes don’t cross. That’s because eyes are narcissistic little monsters and can’t get enough of themselves in the mirror. They hate us, but we kind of make a pretty outfit for them nevertheless.

They say the eyes are the doorway to the soul. That’s alien propaganda. Don’t believe it for a minute.

You might think the blind are spared this abominable infestation. But the blind still have eyes in their sockets — they’re just the handicapped ones of their own kind.

Yes, you could punch them or poke them or fizzle them out with cigarettes. Yes, you could wear patches to debilitate them or gouge them out with forks. But you’d have to be able to see what you were doing and our dependency on them is all part of their sick master plan.

This is why the saving grace of humanity is the television set. It keeps the eyes placid.

At least, I tell myself that whenever that shiny glass screen starts to look like one of their kind, an open channel just waiting for a broadcast from beyond.

Nightmares or not, it’s only when we sleep that we truly see.