+ Bird seed will not grow into birds no matter how much you water it.

+ If the early bird gets the worm, then that means the lazy worms who just sleep in every day are the ones left running the show.

+ I hear that God watches over us through the eyes of little birds. I suspect God also pecks our eyes out through the beaks of little birds, too.

+ Why do birds settle for the whimsical birdhouse, when the big kahuna is often right next door? Are they “bird-brained” or just modest?

+ Birds will fly directly into large windows and brain themselves if you don’t use curtains. I like to trick them by taking out the pane of glass entirely and letting them in. Then I might swoop down from above with my frying pan, or throw the cat in the air from below and see what happens.

+ Man wishes he had wings so he could fly. Bird wishes he had hands so he could drive, instead.

+ If the woodpeckers organized, we’d really be screwed.

+ Why do people panic when a bird gets free inside the house and flutters about? The house IS the cage!

+ Birds twitter and tweet at each other in some stupid sort of Morse code that has only three or four letters. This explains their curious look when they gather on phone lines.

+ If birds ate enough seed, in theory they could kill off the very plant kingdom that produces the seed in the first place. Are they aware of this?

+ Ostriches and other tall-standing birds that walk on two feet creep me out because they look too much like muppets made flesh.

+ Birds pivot and snap their heads to and fro instead of rolling their eyes. Beyond their little leathery talons and sharp little beaks, this is what truly makes them monstrous.

+ I can understand why birds fly south for winter, but I really don’t get why they come back. And you’d think hunting season would give them a clue.

+ The world is the bird’s toilet. They’re kind of like children that way.

+ Some birds, predators like the hawk, eat other birds. They’re cannibals, I suppose, but they’re also just like us.