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THE GORELETTER:

Arnzen's Weird Newsletter

http://www.gorelets.com

+++ Vol 1.4, Dec. 06, 2002 +++

**Holiday X**

----

====BLATHER====
Blather. Wince. Repeat.

Holiday X

I love Xmas. Not the holiday, per se.
The abbreviation. Any abbreviation that
uses the letter X gets my nod of
approval. I marvel at the Chinese
Puzzle of the road sign that reads
"Deer Xing." I muse over the strange
aversion to E in words like "Xtra." I
adore the arachnid-like contraction of
"tickets" into "tix." And I still sublimely
wonder, after all these years, what
XXX really stands for, and how my
loved ones can still sign a letter XXX
and OOO with a straight face.

From quixotic to quincunx, I love the
enigmatic X. Especially when it's near
a Q. It's nature's expectorant.

But I'm no dupe: I won't stand for brand
names that commercialize my letter X.
I won't buy anyone Microsoft's "X-box"
for Xmas, for Xample. And I won't rent
that Vin Diesel action film called XXX,
either, no matter how hard they try to
convince me that "action" film is a
euphemism for porn.

The sporting world misunderstands the
X. The XFL is a case in point. And until
the dictionary includes the word
"athletiX," can we please give Xtreme
sports like Dental Floss Bungie
Jumping a rest? For one thing, the
letter X is not playing a game with us.
It's serious business. For another, all
these "Xtreme sports" were dreamed
up by the editorial board of some
snowboarding magazine…which I
imagine to be comprised of Beavis,
Spicoli, Wayne Campbell, and both the
actors from Dude, Where's My Car?
(with Keeanu Reeves acting as editor-
in-chief, naturally). These guys couldn't
even count to X in the Roman Numeral
system.

Maybe it's just the times we're living in.
Generation X is selling eXtacy to
Generation Y. I don't know what that
means, but I think it's very strange, and
I wish Gen Y would stick to their own
letter and sniff Yte out instead. The
world is chewing up way too many
precious resources on glowstiX as it is.

I might complain about the way our
culture capitalizes on the letter X, but I
do make Xceptions for worX of art. I
haven't read much XJ Kennedy, but I'm
sure he's a damned good poet. Spike
Lee's "X" was a wonderful movie.
"Heard It On The X" is a decent ZZ
Top song (though they chose the
wrong letter…ZZ means "sleep" to
me!). The X-Men were great comiX.
And The X-Files on FoX weren't so
bad, either.

Putting "The" in front of "X" is
dangerous business. X is a scary
letter. And the "The" makes everything
a little scarier than it already is. It
makes everything sound like The End.

X is a good name for a baby. Or any
fictional character. There are
characters named M and a Q in the
James Bond films, but why no X?
(Don't tell me that Drax from
Moonraker has already taken that
letter… Drax is the name of a bug
repellent, for crying out loud!) So if
you're thinking about raising a baby,
call it X and be sure to turn it into some
sort of insane villain with a facial scar.

Or a businessperson. Executive
Officers are called XOs. I'd like to have
a kid, name him or her X (depending,
of course, the X chromosome) and
then train it to become XO X. How do I
accomplish this? I'm not sure, but I
think a football play chart is involved.

Which brings me back to Xmas. What
if the X in Xmas were used in other
words featuring Christ? I'm a Xian. I
was blessed at my Xening. As a
follower of Xianity, I worship X because
X died for my sins. Now Jesus X
almighty, will you pull over at that
TeXaco and ask for directions?

Or what might our shorthand for Christ
mean if we put it in other X words?
Would children still hammer so
annoyingly if it were called a
christylophone? Would adults still fear
the radiation of a Christ-ray, or would
they toss their lead vests assunder?
Would Marvin Gaye still need
sechristual healing? Perhaps.

I suspect the X in Xmas doesn't mean
"Christ" at all -- it probably signifies a
cross, instead (as I'm sure the logo for
any Christian death metal band will
indicate). That's why illiterates sign
contracts with them. I doubt Jesus
staked that claim in Texas.

You see, X has always been a sign of
our laziness with the English language.
Americans are good at taking
shortcuts. Texas is a great place
because it's so huge -- almost the size
of Alaxka -- but it also sounds an awful
lot like shorthand for something that
was probably much much longer in the
original Aztec (like Texasloucuhlan or
something).

The Aztecs were the most comfortable
with the letter X. That's what makes
them cool. The X -- and all that beating
heart removal business. If it wasn't for
that space between "Merry" and
"Xmas" we might have some holiday
that sounded like an Aztec city:
"Merixmas." And we'd probably put a
little more heart into it family get
togethers.

So Merry Xmas to you. And while you
snort egg nog from a snifter, please
figure out how we might take short cuts
on the other holidays with long words
in them. Valentine's Day? HapE Vals.
Halloween? Just "trix." Thanksgiving?
Good Eats. The rest? Etc.

====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====

Apropos Titles

<del>watchingyou.com/poop.html</del>

<del>thegoodnamesweretaken.com/alienchia/</del>

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/

http://www.mycathatesyou.com/

====SADISTIC STATISTICS====

Number of edible insects: 1,492

Number of calories in 100g of cricket:
121

Protein in 100g Cricket: 12.9g

Grams of protein in a dung beetle: 17.2

Number of spiders you'll eat in your
sleep in a lifetime: 8

Amount of insects you inadvertently
consume in a lifetime: a pound

Amount of bacteria a housefly can
carry on its hindfeet: 6 million

Cost of ant tacos in Tlaxcoapan: 300
Pesos

Ratio of insects to humans on Earth:
100 Million to One

[Keep eating…]

***
Sources: eatbug.com 12/04/02;
1001uselessfacts.com 07/05/00 &
02/07/02; amusingfacts.com 10/31/02;
Food Insects NL, 07/96 & 92;
dcothai.com, 12/04/02.

====GORELETS====

Home Depot of the Dead

We keep resurrecting the clerk\\
in the stained orange apron\\
busy with patches and pins.\\
He keeps offering to help us\\
fix our bathtub and we tell him\\
our plumbing is fine but his isn't\\
before tossing the next power tool\\
into the tub where he fries.\\
It's electrical help we need.\\

====SNIPPETS OF THE STRANGE====

"This should create a suitable Zombie
army capable of taking over the world,
crushing your enemies, or serving fast
food." -- halfbakery.com, 10/31/01

"My friend, you think there is a self-
esteem problem here? Well, Hell has
the worst self-esteem problem."
-- alt.religion.christian.baptist, 07/10/99

"Goth as a statement of non-violence,
individuality and rebellion against the
'status quo' is very cool…But
remember, the ultimate rebel was
Jesus Christ. If you find yourself
dwelling on the death aspect of Goth,
then seek Christ. He'll respect your
style..."
-- GothShopping.com, 12/02

====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====

"Santa Stalkers"

For your next movie night, rent:\\
Tales from the Crypt (1972)\\
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)\\
Santa Claws (1996)\\

====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====

"Slay Bells"

Cross Jolly Old St. Nick with Duke
Nukem or The Rock and you get the
idea of this festively macho shooting
game. Santa's going on a rampage!
He'll sleigh you, har-har.

<del>streams.com/holiday/</del>

[Requires the "Shockwave" player -- a
free add-on to your browser that will
auto-install upon arrival. No worries.]

====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====

"The men let the girls take a
turn/pulverizing things with their
mandibles,/spitting things out in
salivated chunks called words/that are
dull with use and digestion"

This excerpt from Tara Raines' "Romp"
appears in Yellow Bat Review #4 (Fall
2002) and to me it signifies much of
the aesthetic of the journal. YBR
doesn't necessarily regurgitate ideas;
instead, it reflects writers who are
struggling to say (and do) something
new with a language that's been
handed down to them. It's one of the
few magazines in the horror genre that
I would call "literary journal" without
blinking twice. At the same time, YBR
is full of hard-hitting, in your face
literature -- it's slam poetry with a meat
mallet: painfully traumatic, but at times
tender, as well

Raines' "Romp" is but one of three
works in the magazine which are part
of a series called "VULGAR". Her
writing impressed me very much with
its unflinching examination of the
grotesque and the abject while sending
a strong feminist message. I was also
struck by the two poems by Todd
Moore in this issue, both of which are
long strings of short (<4 syllable) lines
that dramatize a traumatic incident
where innocence is warped in a gross
confrontation with a repugnant man.
The prolific Lyn Lifshin contributes a
touching piece about handicapped kids
driving a car that also features an
encounter with Otherness. These
"mainstream" (if that's the right word)
poets are caught in the same pages as
poets who might be familiar to genre
readers (like Christina Sng, Kevin
Donihe, Patrick McKinnon, myself and
Forrest Aguirre). And that's what I like
best about this journal: it's about
everything that's literary in horror.
Editor Craig Sernotti knows what he's
doing. And I like it.

Like many of the journals I've chosen
to review for The Goreletter, YBR is a
small, nicely designed pocket-sized
production (with a fancy kaleidoscopic
line drawing on the glossy cover). It's
only a dime a page, or $2.50 for 25
pages ($8 for two-year subscription).
The journal is available directly from
Richard Geyer, Publisher, 1338 West
Maumee, Idlewilde Manor #136,
Adrian, MI 49221 or online at:
<del>geocities.com/rgeyer_2000/</del>

====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====

A vampire has won a three-minute, "all
you can fit in your basket" shopping
spree at a 24-hour grocery store. A
sneering clerk is holding a stopwatch
by the counter, finger on the clicker.
Ready? GO!

Put the following title at the top of a
blank piece of paper: "Monster
Workshop". Now start writing. (Option
for the blocked: turn "monster" into
"monster's").

The phone rings. Your protagonist
answers it. In the handset, all (s)he
hears is what sounds like the sawing of
wood. (S)he hangs up, shaken. What's
happening?

====ARNZEN NEWS====

+ My mutant poetry collection,
FREAKCIDENTS: A SURREALIST
SIDESHOW is set for a January
release. If you visit
<del>darkvesperpublishing.com</del>
you can get a sneak preview at GAK's
fantastic cover for the book (as well as
excerpts, reviews, etc). The number of
the beast is: 0-9722957-5-5
That's its ISBN number, of course…
not Damien Thorn's tattoo.

+ Look for my story, "Tugging the
Heartstrings," up now at Flashquake.
It's the softer side of Arnzen. Or the
coffin pillow, anyway:
<del>flashquake.org</del>

+ "Choppers" -- my experiment with
verbs and blades -- will be up soon at
42opus…one of the best-designed
literary sites on the cyberplanet, in my
opinion: http://www.42opus.com

+ I can't get enough FlashShot.
They're doing a Xmas story a day until
the 25th. Check them out. <del>Write
"subscribe me" in a message to:
genrenews@hotmail.com</del> If you do,
you're bound to get a few teeny Arnzen
stories sooner or later. So don't let the
little ones answer your e-mail. You've
been warned.

====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====

+ The Goreletter has been
recommended for the Bram Stoker
Award (in Alternative Forms)! If you're
an HWA member, I hope you'll help
usher this humble e-zine all the way to
the final ballot by also sending in your
own recs ASAP.

+ To defray the costs of the website
I've opened up the "Mutant Mug Shop."
It's a place where you'll be able to get
Arnzen's digital art, book covers, and
other oddities on a coffee mug:
<del>cafeshops.com/gorelets</del>

+ "Margaret's on the Floor" is the most
recent poem hidden in the gory
handheld on the Gorelets front page.
It’s a rare sight these days: a poem
that actually rhymes!

+ I made lots of updates to the website
over the Thanksgiving holidays that
might make it worth your time to go
browsing. The former "hidden" e-poetry
page is now a public "Writing &
Demos" page, featuring a new original
e-poem ("Ghosted") and a "sneak
preview" section that has links to
advanced cover art and book excerpts,
among other things. Wax up and hit
those gnarly cyberwaves already.
Dude.

====BOO COUPONS====

It actually pays to scroll this far down.

You've heard me praise my ebook
distributor, FICTIONWISE.COM, time
and again. There are links all over my
site to it, and every issue I remind you
of their WEEKLY 15% off special page
for gorelets.com visitors:
<del>fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/</del>

But now I have an exclusive Xmas
offer for readers of The Goreletter
alone! Add Arnzen ebooks to your
shopping cart, then apply the following
coupon code at the bottom of the page:
Arnzen12. This coupon will give you
20% off all Arnzen titles! It can only be
used once per member and it's only
good through December 31st. So pick
up those "pricier" ones, like
Paratabloids, for cheap cheap cheap!
As you probably know, ebooks are
readable on a computer screen, a PDA
an even some cell phones. You don't
need a dedicated reading device or
anything strange like that. Just a
sense of adventure and a chunk of
technology.

WILDSIDE PRESS -- publisher of my
collection, Fluid Mosaic -- kindly
continues to offer Goreletteers a one-
time 10% discount coupon! Enter the
coupon code ARNZEN at check out:
http://www.wildsidepress.com

Due to unforseen circumstances, I'll
have to get you your exclusive
SHOCKLINES.COM coupon next
issue. I do recommend you visit them
for holiday horror shopping, though.
They're simply the best store for horror
stuff anywhere.

====COLOPHON====
All material in The Goreletter is:
© 2002 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward the
entire contents as a whole, without
alterations or excisions. For reprint
permissions of individual pieces,
please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.

This newsletter is formatted in one
skinny column to accommodate
handheld computer users. If you own a
PDA, try The Goreletter as a free
Mazingo channel at:
<del>mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111</del>

Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
about The Goreletter at:
http://www.gorelets.com

========================
Still reading? You must love this wordy
thing! Want to help me out this
holiday?
1) Forward this issue to your weirdest
friend. I need new subscribers.
2) Visit the Mutant Mug Shop. I need
to pay my domain provider.
3) Take this FAST two question poll:
<del>gorelets.com/gorelets/goreletter/tugletpol1.html</del>

Thanks for your continued support!

====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====

"The fear of death is the most
unjustified of all fears, for there's no
risk of accident for someone who's
dead." -- Albert Einstein (died 1955)

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